February 14, 2006
MICHAEL BROWN NAMED SECRETARY OF DEFENSIVENESS
The Borowitz Report
Stunning Comeback for Former FEMA Chief
Washington was abuzz today about one of the most stunning political comebacks in years as President George W. Bush named former FEMA Chief Michael Brown to a new Cabinet-level post, Secretary of Defensiveness.
In his new position, Mr. Brown will be responsible for coming up with excuses for all of the other Cabinet-level departments "whenever they screw up," Mr. Bush said.
After he was dismissed from his FEMA job in the aftermath of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, most Washington observers had left Mr. Brown's political career for dead, but the former FEMA chief's nonstop stream of defensive remarks before Congress last Friday set the stage for his astonishing return to power.
"As I watched Brownie making all of those excuses and blaming everything on me, at first I got real mad," Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House. "But then, after about an hour or so, I thought to myself, dang, he's good."
The president said that Mr. Brown's first assignment as Secretary of Defensiveness would be to come up with some excuses for the way the war In Iraq is going.
But Mr. Brown warned that Iraq was "such a mess," making excuses for it would "take some time" and that "it could be awhile before the excuses arrive."
In response to Mr. Brown's warning, Mr. Bush expressed admiration for his new Cabinet officer: "He can even make excuses for why he hasn't made excuses yet."
Elsewhere, elsewhere, President Bush's new Medicare drug plan will provide aspirin for people who attempted to understand the plan.
Actual Quotes from Tom DeLay
1) "So many minority youths had volunteered, that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself."
--Tom DeLay, explaining at the 1988 GOP convention why he and vice presidential nominee Dan Quayle did not fight in the Vietnam War.
2) "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?"
--Tom Delay, to three young hurricane evacuees from New Orleans at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept.9,2005.
3) "I AM the federal government."
--Tom DeLay, to the owner of Ruth's Chris Steak House, after being told to put out his cigar because of federal government regulations banning smoking in the building, May 14, 2003.
4) "We're no longer a superpower. We're a super-duper power."
-Tom DeLay, explaining why America must topple Saddam Hussein in 2002 interview with Fox News.
5) "Nothing is more important in the face of a war than cutting taxes."
--Tom DeLay, March 12, 2003.
6) "Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence. The causes of youth violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills."
--Tom DeLay, on causes of the Columbine High School massacre, 1999.
7) "A woman can take care of the family. It takes a man to provide structure. To provide stability. Not that a woman can't provide stability, I'm not saying that... It does take a father, though."
--Tom DeLay, in a radio interview, Feb. 10, 2004.
8) "I don't believe there is a separation of church and state. I think the Constitution is very clear. The only separation is that there will not be a government church."
--Tom DeLay (date unspecified)
9) "Emotional appeals about working families trying to get by on $4.25 an hour [the minimum wage in 1996] are hard to resist. Fortunately, such families do not exist."
--Tom DeLay, during a debate in Congress on increasing the minimum wage, April 23, 1996.
10) "I am not a federal employee. I am a constitutional officer. My job is the Constitution of the United States, I am not a government employee. I am in the Constitution."
--Tom DeLay, in a CNN interview, Dec. 19, 1995.